Category: food and drink

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.

As a journalist I was quite interested to hear that an old couple had discovered an ice cream container that hadn’t been opened for 50 years. I rushed to their house straight away to see if I could get an inside scoop.

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Stella please mate.” He said, “Are you 18?” I said, “No.” He said, “I can’t serve you then.” As I walked out I thought to myself, “This is the fourth pub – what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint […]

Cheese has holes. The more cheese you have, the more holes you have. The more holes you have, the less cheese you have. Conclusion: The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have.

To offend any wine tasters and wine experts, refer to wine as “grape cider”.

After Heinze’s goal, Nigeria were always playing ketchup…

My girlfriend is always banging on about how fabulous bottled water is. So today I put it to the test. I give her a drink of tap water and a drink of her spring water. I was amazed that she got right, so I asked her how she knew. “The spring water was in the […]

Two Irish blokes walk into a pub. “How many should we have this time?” asks the first one. “Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn’t finish the last one.” “Don’t worry, this time we’ll get only three. Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!”

Let me get your … BANG! You’ve pulled a Christmas cracker!

I have just had the most amazing night. This American girl I met just couldn’t wait to get her mouth around my sausage. She finished it off in one minute flat, then kept coming back for more! This went on for two hours! Mind you, I do work on a hotdog stand.

Just noticed, ‘Nice with strawberries’, on the side of my Shredded Wheat box. That’s because strawberries are nice, you don’t see on the side of a box of strawberries, ‘Nice with Shredded Wheat’.

I think we’ve got a Korean police officer on an exchange visit in our area. I’ve just seen a police car with a box of doughnuts and a cooked dog on the back seat.

Bacon proves that God has a sense of humour. He invents the greatest meat in the world then doesn’t let his chosen people eat it.

In the supermarket earlier, a group of lads started throwing chocolate, biscuits and cakes at me. It was all very unsavoury.

I used to eat in my local McDonald’s all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said: ‘Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.’