Category: family

I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician.

People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him.

Earlier tonight I woke up to the horror of my house on fire. I hurriedly woke the kids, grabbed the dog & we made our way downstairs. “Shush now kids, be quiet” I said as I let them out. “We don’t want to wake your mother”

My sister asked me if id liked to come with her, I got all excited until i realised she was holding the car keys

As a joke me and the wife went to our kids and asked them who they would rather live with if we got divorced. To my disappointment they said her. Joke’s on her though, we’re getting divorced tomorrow.

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we should spank our six-year-old daughter or not. I say yes and my wife says I should wait until she’s done something wrong.

My daughter’s very demanding…..usually for me to stop.

My father was really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so I’ll always remember the last words he said to me before he died. “Be careful where you’re pointing that gun”.

My wife said to me I wish you’d play with me like you do those video games. So I shot her in the face with an AK-47.

My Cousin has just had an article written in the local newspaper with her photo saying how she is a successful business woman. ‘What a strange coincidence’ I said. ‘Fancy how two people from the same family end up with there picture in the paper the same week. We should celebrate.’ Apparently her being a […]

I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; “Some soldiers.”

I asked my mum if I was adopted the other day, she said, ‘If I adopted a child, I would have picked a better one then you!’ Yeh, thanks ‘mum’.

Your mum is so fat she can’t even pick out the first pringle

I’ll never forgive my father for the mug he gave me on my birthday. I’d much rather have inherited my mother’s features.

My wife told me to lighten up the other day. “You’re always so stiff and formal.” I can tell you the defecation certainly encountered the rotary oscillator.