Category: family

Experts say that the Box Jellyfish is the most venomous thing on the planet. They obviously didn’t interview my mother-in-law for the position.

I picked up a filthy little slag last night. That’s the last time my daughter uses me as a taxi service.

The wife told me she is leaving me, and a hour later she caught me in floods of tears! She said she is really sorry to do this to me! What she didn’t realise Is that I popped the champagne cork straight into my eyes! Now let’s start celebrating!

I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has made sure they aren’t overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleat was a bit of a disaster.

My son was misbehaving in a shop the other day when me and the wife took him shopping, so I slapped him hard across the back of the legs and told him he had been very naughty. The wife said “You shouldn’t do that you know.” “Why not?” I replied, “He’s my son.” “Because he’s […]

“Mummy, where do babies come from?” “Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies.” “Do mummies eat it?” “Only if they want new shoes.”

My kids are like my jokes. Everytime I have a new one, it gets removed.

My wife cooks meals that even Gordon Ramsay would be proud of. To be fair, she uses his system. She crys and panics whilst i swear at her.

My father always made me live out his broken dreams by signing me up to all sorts of sports teams. I actually like to think I made him quite proud. Afterall, I did fail them all just like him.

My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the cat.

GMTV are running a story about how school teachers are no longer allowed to apply sun cream to school children in summer for fear of prosecution from parents. Similar stories say that carers aren’t allowed to rub cream into the elderly either. They’re all outraged and say it’s political correctness gone mad. Well I can […]

I said to my girlfriends family the other day: You guys are so funny! You should be in a tv programme! My girlfriends mum replied flattered: What, you mean like a comedy or a talkshow? I said back: Nah, fat families.

Kids don’t know they’re born these days One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room.

My girlfriend thinks it’s the hardest thing in the world to juggle a successful career and bring up a family at the same time. She should try juggling flaming knives

It was graduation day and my wife wanted to take a picture of my son with me in his cap and gown. ‘ Stand beside your father and put your arm round his shoulder, ‘ said my wife, ‘ I want the picture to look natural. ‘ ‘ If you want the picture to look […]