Category: family

When my mum told me I should increase my iron intake I took her advice. She was horrified when she caught me sucking on her discarded tampons.

Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich. I laughed so hard and split a rib. One of hers.

We buried my mother-in-law today. As the coffin lowered into the ground I stepped forward and said a little prayer. “Thank you God”.

Just got back from my Mum’s cremation. I’m glad that’s all done and dusted

I have had the mother in law down for the weekend. I’ll put her back on the roof tomorrow.

Women have periods. Men suffer from them!

My girlfriend told me I was a selfish lover. I said, “well, your mother did warn you.”

I’m going to put an end to female patronisation. So don’t any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads

My wife’s a real peach! Round and hairy.

For about ten years now, it’s been my job to give my gran her pill every day. She hates taking her pill, so I mix it in with her morning coffee. It’s tedious making coffee and putting the pill in every morning, but if she got pregnant I’d never forgive myself.

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn’t afford one. So one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails… And beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

On a sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home. For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow.

If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure I wouldn’t be a failure anymore

If it wasn’t for the likes of my grandad, we’d all be talking German now! He really was a terrible Language Teacher.

You know you’re getting old when Miss Marple starts looking hot