Category: family

I DONT think Im very good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he would take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I was at a fairground and saw a fortune-teller’s tent. I went inside and sat down. “Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” I said scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said “That’s […]

My parents have just thrown me out. They think i treat the family home like a hotel, which i don’t! Either way I have 1 hour to pack my things and leave my key at reception.

I was named after my father – That Guy From The Bar

My mother in law had a fatal heart attack this morning. Theres nothing better than waking up to good news.

you know your dad’s cheap when he tells you to photocopy a stamp….

Quasimodo was dancing in a nightclub with this really fit bird when suddenly she noticed a big bulge in his pocket. “Quasi! You naughty boy! Whats that bulge in your pocket?” The girl purred “Oh!” Said quasi “its a picture of my dad”

If I become my parents, I’ll be an alcoholic blonde running around chasing after twenty year old men…..or I’ll become my mom.

I went to see my daughter’s ballet dancing show yesterday and ended up getting thrown out. To be fair, I shoudn’t have stuffed money down the front of her Tutu, but she was good.

When my dog does something wrong in the house I rub his face in it… I use the same system for my girlfriend. That’s the last time she forgets to clean the oven…

I think my dad was a magician. He did a disappearing act when I was born.

I have a great life, I beat my wife and kids every night. When I’m armed with seven chips and a scrabble board, I’m unstoppable…

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas… like spending Christmas together as a family.

My mother told me not to talk to strange men. Since I found out he collects bottle tops I’ve not said a word to my dad.

My son is a terrible dresser. Does a great bureau though, seriously, doesn’t move an inch when you compose a letter on him.