Category: family

My dad had a go at me for putting a knife in the toaster as I might electricute myself. I asked him why he didn’t mind my mum doing it. He said ‘she’s a woman if she’s so independent she can figure it our for herself or die trying.’ He now has a sickipedia account.

The Ex wife rang me up today and screamed at me “Your sons ran away from home !” Laughing i said “So did i, remember !”

My sister walked in with a smile on her face holding hands with some bloke she had just met. She said, “Guess what mum, my date didn’t show up but it turned out for the best.” My mum asked, “Oh that’s nice hun, who’s the lucky guy?” I said, “The one that didn’t show.”

I was looking forward to my birthday. My Dad said he had got me a train set. I opened it up and the box was empty. “Dad I thought you said that you had got me a train set?” “There’s a train strike.”

My friend’s son is now a green belt at karate. I presume that means you can’t build houses on him.

My wife said she hated me. I said “thats not fair, there is only two things I dislike about you.” She said “what are they?” “Your chin”

When does a woman care for a man’s company? When he owns it.

“Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant?” “Of course not, Susie, you’re only 7.” “Right lads, same again!”

My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest. He’s always smiling at mums grave.

Always used to wonder why my brother would get all the girls but not me, even though we’re twins. One time, I was alone in my bedroom for three weeks thinking about it.

I’ve wanted to run away from home recently because no one understands me. I hate my kids.

Stella: Because the gals ain’t gonna beat themselves.

I was sat on the top floor of a double decker bus with my wife and my 5 year old son. I said look Jakey, we’re bigger than everyone up here. “Not bigger than Mummy though are we Dad” He replied I looked at him and then turned to my wife. Ive never been so […]

I’m hoping my in laws don’t stay too long on Christmas day. But, just to make sure I’ve also invited the black couple from next door.

I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was complaining. Don’t know why though,the ashtray would’ve done a lot more damage.