Category: family

When I was a kid I lived for football – I was either playing football or watching football. My dad said, “I think I’ll be watching you run out at Stamford Bridge when you’re grown up”. He was so wrong – he got hit by a bus a week later.

Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage? Because they have already experienced pain and bought jewellery.

I just hacked my mother in law’s facebook, and put,’ I just gave my son in law head’ as her status. It didn’t go down too well with the family as she died yesterday.

My wife just told me that im lazy good for nothing layabout, that does nothing to help her around the house. That’s the last time i arrange for her to borrow a ladder when she has to realign the sky dish

Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

The other night, I was in bed trying to sleep. A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me. She climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward my […]

I remember when I was a kid, I was at a family dinner. There was this huge chocolate cake for afters. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. My Grandad saw me and said, “go on, no-one’s looking.” I said, “are you sure?” “Course I’m sure,” he replied. So I whacked him in the mouth.

Whilst in bed my wife said she knows i’ve been cheating with the girl next door. I was relieved when she made it clear that she was talking about my next door neighbour, not my daughter in the next room.

My old man always used to say to me, ” Son, when one door closes, another one always opens.” I guess that’s why we got burgled so often.

I was arguing with my wife last night. She accused me of being a delusional fantasist. I was shocked. So I held gently held my hand against her face, breathed in slowly and shouted “Flame on!”.

My mother’s sister is a cleaner. Aunty Bacterial

I was complaining to my mate the other day, who’s a Doctor, about a persistent whining sound in my head. He suggested a divorce!

When my three-year-old son opened a birthday present from his granddad, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I turned to my dad and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?” My dad smiled and simply […]

My ginger son’s birthday is today. I’ve explained in previous years that we don’t get him any birthday presents because it’s so close to Christmas. It seems to upset him, especially because we’re Jewish and don’t celebrate Christmas.

Live off your parents until you can live off your children.