Category: family

When I was growing up my Grannie used to give me one pound each week. That was quite a lot of money in the 70’s. But she said it was the least she could do after I’d gone down on her.

A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, “Why was I named Daisy?” “Well,” said her mother, “when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would […]

Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesn’t get wet. “Ooh, what’s that, Betty?” the other asks. “It’s called a condom, they sell them […]

My wife’s just told me she expecting her mum to come round for dinner on Christmas Day. I’m disappointed. I thought I’d hit her so hard she’s be unconscious till February at least…..

A blank screen a day keeps your mother away.

In case you wondered, Father’s Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother’s Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you.

A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says “Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father’s in a fight.” Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there’s three guys fighting like you wouldn’t believe. The cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one’s your father?” […]

“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Not a good thing to hear from your dad. Unless, of course, your dad is Dr. Bruce Banner.

According to social services, I’m not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a meningitis induced coma and not hibernating.

My wife’s like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops.

I’m going to call my new-born son “Names”, so that name-calling isn’t a problem when he’s older.

Met an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week. “Oh, that’s awful,” I said. “Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her.” Some people just can’t take a joke!

I’m always dead awkward around relatives, I can never say the right thing. Just the other day my gran said ‘Look! You’re growing a beard!’ Apparently , ‘So are you’ is not an appropriate response.

The wife asked me to take the Mother in Law out last night……. a good right hook did the trick !

My philosophy on life is to ignore things until they go away. Apparently this is an unacceptable approach to parenting.