Category: family

‘Brave girl, 7, has body of a granny’ Two fantasies rolled into one.

My father’s a wise man. He trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, and learn from my mistakes for as long as I can remember. I really hope I get to meet him someday.

My Dad was a man of very few words, one day he said to me “Son…”

They say it isnt about whether or not your partner in life is attractive, its about wether they make you laugh or not, well my wife fell of the bus the other day. absolutley hilarious.

On his wedding day I told my son that I wasn’t losing a son but gaining a daughter. In retrospect it was a callous way of telling him that I had got his fiance pregnant.

Monthly contact lenses are like parents. Eventually you lose one of them and the one that’s left constantly annoys you until you’re left with a pounding headache and you feel the need to take it out.

apperently when my mum asked where i was taking her for her birthday, an old peoples home wasnt the answer she was hoping for.

My Gran always said she wanted to be laid in wet concrete after she’d died, we all argued with her, but in the end she won. She’s dead, set in her way…….

My Sister works for the Electric board. Do You want to meter.

If it’s a crime for a man to care for his wife and kids, then I guess I’m guilty. Turns out that’s what the judge thought too. And apparently ‘care for’ isn’t a valid metaphor for ‘repeatedly abuse and violate’.

My wife and kids said they wanted to experience the thrill of living in a caravan for the week. So I’ve locked them all in the gas cupboard while I enjoy the house to myself.

My 8 year old son reckoned he was old enough to go out on his own at night, so I sent him to get our fish supper at the chippie (The Fishy Finger), which is on a particularly dodgy estate. As a joke I asked him to get ‘a battered ring’. That was three days […]

My wife left me today, She said it was because I could never make up my mind. I didnt know what to say….

I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read “Could you do with one less bag?”. “Yes”, I thought, “but unfortunately she’s my mother-in-law”.

I said, “Father, I’ve been thinking . . my brother Mohammed is so good at maths and my sister Zainab, so gifted on the piano. Yet I am useless at everything. Was I adopted?” He said, “Why would you think that, Clive?”