Category: family

I took my gran to an antiques auction today I got 23.00 for her

My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, “Goods delivered are non-returnable.” I handed it back and said, “Contract void if seal is broken.”

My wife has just given birth to twin daughters. She asked me “What do you think of when you look at them both together?” Apparently “Threesome” was not the answer she had hoped for.

My son said “If I grow up to be half of the man you are, I’d be happy!” earlier. I then realised he was talking to his mother.

My son has been getting these really bad headaches. I keep telling him, “Feet first when you get out of bed.”

I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went up stairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of “Shake it David shake it”.

What’s the difference between swimming and sucking? My 12 year old daughter can swim a whole length without choking.

I’m not a violent person and I certainly don’t agree with hitting kids. I’ve never laid a single finger on my son. I’ve stuck a couple up my daughter though.

“Postal workers have been striking for a week now and have nothing to show for it I know how they feel, I’ve been striking the wife for years

I honestly do think that my daughter’s new mini-skirt looks rather tight and revealing, but I like to wear it anyway…

My wife just got a call from the bank saying her account is being used suspiciously. Apparently no transactions have taken place within the last ten minutes.

I was just watching my mum masturbating. She was asleep ……

We have some good news and bad news Mr Hughes. The good news is you get to spend more time with your family this Christmas!

I told my daughter I was going to give up smoking. She said, “You’ll never do it, you don’t have the willpower.” “I think you’ll find I have incredible willpower, which is the only reason you’re still a virgin,” I replied.

My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said “I want to smell like a grown up woman”. So i killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers.