Category: family

What do women call masturbation? Finishing the job.

My mother in law drowned yesterday Apparently she isn’t a Witch after all.

This is England’86 aka This is Burnley.

I handed my mother in law a bouquet of flowers and said “These made me think of you.” “They’re lovely,” she said “What are they?” “Snapdragons” I replied.

When I was a kid, I was looking inside my dad’s closet and I was shocked to find out that he secretly stashed pantyhose in a special drawer. And even though it took him a while, eventually he was able convince me that he only uses it when he robs banks and breaks into apartments.

My wife is that lazy she’s been pregnant for 18 months.

My mother in law was kicked by my horse, she dies from the injury. There are lots of people at the funeral, even from other towns as well. My friend asked me surprisingly if my mother in law was loved by so many people? No, I replied. They all wanna buy my horse…

I was watching TV with the wife in the lounge. I could hear my daughters making a right racket in their bedroom. I shouted, “Knock it off! Don’t make me come, down there”. My wife turned to me and said “They’re upstairs dear”, I think she misunderstood what i was threatening them with.

Saw some Ginger siamese twins today and funny I thought they both looked a bit like Raoul Moat Then I couldn’t help but think to myself that 2 heads are better than none.

My daughter came around the other day. So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back out again.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Old people, bless them. My great grandfather had a fight at his allotment the other day. I went up to sort it out, but the next day it was forgotten about.

My Jewish friend makes his wife walk five steps behind him, in case he drops any money.

Me and my brother decided to have a sword fight. Let’s just say he’s my half brother now.