Category: children

My children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning. Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids.

I saw on the news there the headline “Has China mother had octuplets?” …or is she just a nanny for 8 unrelated kids?

What did Michael Jackson & Santa have in common? They both left kids bedrooms with their sacks empty…

Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: “I want to be a ninja when I grow up!” Can’t wait to tell him he’s a dwarf

I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV… I peeled back the paper revealing the writing, “We’re going to Disneyland….” They were so excited until I removed it entirely, and it said “…Paris.”

What noise does a baby make in a microwave? I don’t know, I was too busy masturbating.

I’m as bored as a fat kid on a see-saw.

Last night, before my son went to bed, he was telling me how much he hates his teacher. He was saying things like, “He’s an idiot” or “he’s out to get me”. This is the last thing I wanted to hear, as he is home schooled.

I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers

A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it home with him and asks his dad what it is. his dad not wanting to tell him what it realy is he says. “thats a twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me […]

There’s nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little kids in the chest while yelling “THIS IS SPARTA” while performing a heroic pose on top of their bodies.

I’m not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground. I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me. So I […]

I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors. The examiner said that I was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no.

I used to think Santa Claus was a paedophile… Turned out it was my uncle Frank all along.

I’ve just been in McDonald’s and I’ve seen four girls who have the face of a 12 year old and the body of a girl who’s name ends in .jpg