Category: children

I was called in to see my son’s Headmaster today. I said, “What’s he been up to?” “He tried to burn down the main building.” He replied. I said, “You’re lucky, he succeeded at his two previous schools.”

My neighbours’ kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal. The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they’d use them for its face.

It’s all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on..

Whats pink and divisible by 4? **************************** Baby tied to four horses

I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little faces fade when they realise there is no ice cream

At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 18 months old.

Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa tonight… I bought a top in Primark.

My dad didn’t care about me as a child. Then he turned 18 and became slightly more responsible.

I love the way children look when they’re asleep. Vulnerable.

Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the contraceptive pill over the counter! That should cut down my future CSA payments.

I love going to the local water park. I can happily watch young girls getting wet without forcing them into my van.

I don’t like children. What people don’t seem to realise is that babies are here to replace us. Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.

Me and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco. My wife asked, “Awww are you an orphan?” He replied, “Yes, what gave me away?” I said, “Your parents.”

So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks. If that had happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, “Cooool, a lock in!”