Category: children

Son: “Mum, when I was born what did you wish I’d be?” Mother: “Your father’s”…

Women should not have children after 35. Really . . . 35 children are enough.

“Daddy. I’m too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out” “They’re called shorts, son”

I hit my nephew yesterday…. My sister was absolutely hysterical.. but then I was in an Audi and he was playing in the driveway…..

I was looking through my girlfriends old school reports. Last year she started drawing inside the lines.

My five year old son painted his ‘Bob the Builder’ action toy black. I told him he’s ruined it, it’ll never work again.

I’ve got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names, I know.

Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of surprised and squirted all of their faces. Then I got my Water-Gun out.

I have a third party, fire and theft policy. And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to three-year-old’s birthday parties.

My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about […]

Me and my girlfriend had a problem with washing my baby sons hair. He would always scream, kick and cry his eyes out. A friend suggested Johnsons ‘No More Tears’ shampoo. It worked a treat! Smacked him round the head with the bottle twice and haven’t heard a peep from him in 2 hours.

Wife told me i was too hard when controlling the kids. How did she notice?

There’s a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted children. They’re basically nurofen disguised as smarties.

I’m such a convincing guy, that I was actually able to sell ice to an Eskimo. Besides, I always regretted naming my kid ice.

Well, if i had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home with me. I’m starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the creche.