Category: children

I’ve been thinking of opening a school for disadvantaged kids. All I gotta do is master the art of disguising myself as the Queen.

Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the World when they get Attacked by them.

My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin. If I don’t sell enough of it then she doesn’t get fed.

The other day, my neighbour’s son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, i felt so sorry for him i went out and bought him an Ipod touch.

I don’t know why my children hate bubbles so much. I only took them to the neverland ranch once.

Childline really needs to be renamed….. I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of Police officers turned up???

I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

Schools have changed since my day. From blackboard to whiteboard. From quill to biro. From cane to dumbell.

I saw a headline today that said “Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile.” GOOD. We didn’t want them in the gene pool anyway.

Dodgems: The only time i can legally ram young children.

I’ve always been truthful with my son. I don’t tell him these lies that other parents use all the time. He has always known that Father Christmas isn’t real, he knows that too much T.V. does not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out […]

You know it’s cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.

Haiti Cemetery… Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s the difference between a baby and fruit? I don’t eat fruit.

Nothing says “I was bullied at school” quite like becoming a copper