Category: children

When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then I realised it was just the kids coming round.

Here at the sweatshop everyday is bring your children to work day!

If I had a penny for every time I did a days work.. …I’d be an Indian child.

My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve got a welding kit waiting in the garage.

Apparently, “Hi, I’m Randy and I’m an alcoholic” doesn’t go down that well when you’re introducing yourself to other parents… …when they drop off their kid for a sleepover.

my pregnant wife asked me how i’d feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and twiddling my fingers saying “like that” wasnt the answer she was looking for

I am going to name my next child Number 7. Then when he’s wondering about his missing siblings, I’ll explain to him how they didn’t go to bed when I told them to.

What’s the difference between a baby and methylamphetamine? One can cause adrenal fatigue. The other is a stimulant drug.

My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated. Not as upset as I was, they’re leaving a green rash on my thighs.

I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. I was so thankful my older brother told me in time.

When i was in school all the boys used to say rude words that i didn’t understand, so i’d go to the library and do some colouring in. It wasn’t long before i gave up my job as a teacher.

I am the happiest father in the world! Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of muggers, the doctors said that our little girl was still born.

My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn’t impressed I didn’t hesitate to tell everyone present what I thought of him. She started crying, but that was probably just a side effect of the stressful birth.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

Ah children, you can’t beat them … anymore