Category: childish

Knock Knock Come in…. Well this is awkward

How’s the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly.

If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning. She argues that she would have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulently.

I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store followed by a full description of what the child was wearing. Bit like ‘Scramble’ but for Pedophiles!

How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave? Stab holes in it.

Sometimes my friends dont get me. It’s like I’m not even playing tag with them.

My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more. I said, “I can’t, because the rear child safety locks are on!”

Got arrested at Heathrow last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.

I thought that ‘Snap’ was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the cards down face up.

If they ever do manage to find Wally, will he be shot in the head and buried at sea as well?

I stuck a label on my room mates back saying “I sleep with kids” as he was heading out for his first day of work. He later got sacked from the nursery.

“what is wet, slippery and smells?” “Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner table!?” “Well we are eating pickles…..”

Are you smarter than a ten year old? Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it will probably end up with me getting fisted…

How many immature teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Your mum.

The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging. That’s fine, just as long as she doesn’t expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump.