Category: animals/insects

I can never understand these people that say a dog is ‘forever’ Even when it goes straight from the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max.

My girlfriend is a right fox. She keeps rummaging through the neighbour’s bins.

I call my dog Dog. We don’t have pet names.

What’s the difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ? One spreads fear among the local population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people, …and the other’s an insect.

I think my goldfish is incontinent. His bowl floweth over.

Our dog is ‘in season’ apparently. Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I’ll never know.

Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer allowed to teach anymore.

I was hiking in the mountains today, when I seen a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his garden. I asked him ‘What is that for?’ He then replied ‘It’s anti-bear powder, it keeps them away from my house.’ ‘But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!’ He replied ‘ […]

My cat is always scratching and biting me. It’s almost as if she knows what I’ve got planned.

I took a girl back to my place last night and she noticed I have some animal skin rugs. She pointed to one and said, “Oh my God! I hope that’s Faux fur.” I said, “No, that one was a snow leopard.”

Pets At Home. “Where Pets Come First” Liars.

Me and the family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals.

The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@ “I’m so proud of my husband – he’s wanted to be a comedian for years, now he’s made the whole world laugh.”

My grandad once killed a lion with one hand. It had paws on its other legs though.

My wife’s ran off with a giraffe… I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue.