Category: animals/insects

I told my boyfriend we’re about to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. He said “What, you mean you’re pregnant?”. I said “No, I’ve just superglued the hamsters’tail to it’s wheel”.

My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “There’s a huge spider in there!” She said. “Thanks love, I’ll remember to knock first.” I replied.

I went to the zoo recently. I think it’s about time someone told the meerkats that everything’s fine.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought dogs go to heaven. My thought was if you can lick yourself you’re already there.

Sometimes when i’m bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can’t find it.

I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings. I think it was a Parakeetamol.

How can you tell your Priest may need to be reported to the Vatican? There’s a glory hole in the confessional.

Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4’s ‘It’s Me or the Dog’ next week Or as I’m calling it, ‘Which Dog should I Keep?’

Bought an Ant farm, don’t know where I’m going to get tractors that small.

I gave my wife crabs. They’ll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond.

I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats arent allowed to graze there

When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead. Not wanting me to get upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I wouldn’t notice… But I did, and I killed that one too…

I love throwing things at the fan and watching them fly across the room. Thats why im not allowed to touch the cat anymore.

If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last few nights, Be virtually impossible to track them down.

My dog drinks out of the toilet, which makes me laugh – because I’m ticklish down there..