Category: animals/insects

‘Camilla stable after surgery’ Don’t they mean in her stable?

Apparently the World’s most famous octopus died today. I must be incredibly dim because I haven’t got a clue who the second most famous octopus is.

I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it. I don’t have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm 🙁

I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs. How was I to know that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention.

What do epileptic snakes have? Hissy fits.

My mate told me if I cut my pet goat’s horns off it would become more confident. It didn’t work – if anything it’s got even more sheepish.

I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming. She hates earwigs.

“It’s just a spider, it’s more scared of you than you are of it” my Dad told me. Pretty stupid advice for a housefly.

My next door neighbour has got a sick sense of humour. He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them. Pork Hunt.

Time it takes for your pet to care that you’ve fallen over and can’t get up. Dog- 2 minutes Cat- Feeding time

My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet, It’s funny, I thought 8 flushes would have shifted a rabbit…

What do you call the red mushy stuff under a elephants feet? Slow natives.

What do you call a bee thats come back from the dead? A zom-bee

Q: Where do ducks do cocaine? A: In a quack den!

Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun. Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back.