My wife is going to her friend’s wedding tomorrow, She says she doesn’t have time to go shopping ’cause she’s at work, but she wants to go in a fancy dress. So I nipped into a shop in the town and got her the Cat woman outfit.
Continue ReadingI’ve just spent 15,000 on hiring a contract killer. It’s cheaper than paying the early release fee from Vodafone.
Continue ReadingI like to go out in my horse costume and try it on with the ladies.
Continue ReadingI regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder. All she ever does is complain about how homesick she is. “Yak, yak, yak.”
Continue ReadingI ordered myself a slow cooker online last week. It’s already three days late.
Continue ReadingSome people say that, at 53, Madonna is pushing herself too far with the dance routines on her world tour. I disagree. She’s as tough as old boot.
Continue ReadingTook the missus for an Italian the other night and after consulting the menu she ordered the pageone. “Thats Page 1 you daft cow” I said
Continue ReadingI phoned up the local garage from my hospital bed and told the owner that the reason I was in hospital was the total incompetence of his staff and their inability to fix a minor fault that resulted in the brakes on my car failing completely. “I suppose you’re going to sue me?” he asked. […]
Continue ReadingA copper pulled me over and asked “What’s your name and where are you from?” I said “Basildon” He said “Ok, Basil, where are you from….. and how did you know my name?”
Continue ReadingI brought back a large stone from Ireland as a souvenir but it’s turned out to be something else. It’s a sham rock.
Continue ReadingTrifle (noun) – A three barreled rifle.
Continue ReadingI saw this guy who held a heart in his hand that seemed to talk. I think he was a ventricleoquist.
Continue ReadingA 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also 54 informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must realise that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18.
Continue ReadingTwo Irish blokes walk into a pub. “How many should we have this time?” asks the first one. “Remember last time we were in here we had four and we didn’t finish the last one.” “Don’t worry, this time we’ll get only three. Hey barman, three bags of crisps and twenty pints of Guinness please!”
Continue ReadingI misunderstood when I signed up to do carpentry. They said we’d be playing with wood all day and making joints.
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