If you like despair, you’ …
If you like despair, you’re one of two people: A sixteen year old emo girl. Or a Jamaican who likes this pear.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
My wife told me to buy so …
My wife told me to buy some perfume to desribe what I would like to do most to her. She wasn’t happy when she opened her bottle of “poison”
Continue ReadingThe stock market. It’s li …
The stock market. It’s like William Hill for rich people.
Continue ReadingBoil a live lobster and y …
Boil a live lobster and you’re a chef, boil a live kitten and suddenly it’s a big deal.
Continue ReadingNot everyone hates muslim …
Not everyone hates muslims. Mosquitos find them very attractive.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend phoned my h …
My girlfriend phoned my house phone earlier sounding pretty panicked. She said “A bomb’s just gone off near where you work, where are you!? I replied “Since i just answered my housephone, i’ll let you take a wild guess.”
Continue ReadingThe wife was complaining …
The wife was complaining last night that I never treat her, so as soon as she was fast asleep, I painted her in Creosote.
Continue ReadingToday, I was desparately …
Today, I was desparately looking through my local internet connections that were unlocked near my work place. I didn’t find one but I found the best internet router name ever: ‘pretty fly for a wi-fi’
Continue ReadingIf you support capital pu …
If you support capital punishment, then you want hanging.
Continue ReadingAlways remember ‘Never Ea …
Always remember ‘Never Eat Shredded Wheat’ Especially if you’re a coeliac
Continue ReadingPolicemen: Fool everyone …
Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you’re not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the Notting Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely.
Continue ReadingI said to the judge “I do …
I said to the judge “I do not recognise this court”. He asked “On what grounds?” I said “You’ve redecorated,haven’t you?”
Continue ReadingMy wife wanted me to chan …
My wife wanted me to change the duvets. It’s alright though, I’ve got them covered.
Continue ReadingMirror, Mirror on the wal …
Mirror, Mirror on the wall. I really should take that newspaper down and put some proper wallpaper up.
Continue ReadingWhen my hand starts shaki …
When my hand starts shaking, you know I’m about to have a stroke.
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