I took a girl out to dinner tonight and when we’d finished she said, “I’ve had a lovely time, let’s go Dutch.” I replied, “I’ve had a great time to, but I’m going to go French.” She said, “What’s French?” It was then I ran away from the restaurant.
Continue ReadingI fell out with the wife last night and she kicked me out of the bedroom. I still slept like a log though. In the toilet.
Continue ReadingMy mate phoned me earlier and said, “Do you fancy moving abroad?” “Is she dead like the last one?” I replied.
Continue ReadingIf you get an infinite number of chimpanzees playing an infinite number of bongos, eventually one of them will come up with the complete works of Dire Straits.
Continue Readingsaw 7 mini’s on the way home. the woman sitting next to me on the bus was NOT happy.
Continue ReadingI now realise why It’s not ideal to eat ice cream while using a laptop. I was talkng to my sister online and she asked me why I was typing so slowly, so I replied, ‘well my other hands busy; She hasn’t replied yet.
Continue ReadingI’ve just released a new song called ‘Britney Spears’. There’s an amazing breakdown in the middle.
Continue ReadingRaoul Moat has just been found by police. He was in Shannon Matthews’s uncle’s bed base!
Continue ReadingSomewhere in the West Country there is sat a farmer playing Officeville.
Continue ReadingBook Cover Of The Year Award.. How’s that judged?
Continue Reading“And here’s one I made earlier!” In hindsight, probably not the best way to introduce my illegitimate child to my wife.
Continue ReadingI had a can of beer last night and on the side it said, “best drunk before 2010”. I’ve just emailed them thanking them for the award, which I graciously accept.
Continue ReadingIt’s 1.20am in the morning and I’ve been watching BBC’s Comic Relief for over six hours. All these people donating hundreds of pounds of their own money and I must admit that I feel disgusted in myself. I should have gone to bed about 10pm, as I’m in work for 6am.
Continue ReadingWhat did the nostril say to the index finger? Take your pick.
Continue ReadingI’ve been thinking about it and, at the end of the day, it’s not so bad being a vampire.
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