Through a Greenpeace sche …
Through a Greenpeace scheme, I’ve already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey … I’m really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is.
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I love watching fat peopl …
I love watching fat people run. All 2 seconds of it.
Continue ReadingI just watched a film on …
I just watched a film on how to dig a good grave. I thought the plot was very good.
Continue ReadingMy mate asked if I wanted …
My mate asked if I wanted to join his religious sect where they worship a probiotic drink. I said, “I’m not interested in Yakult.”
Continue ReadingI saw a poster that said, …
I saw a poster that said, ‘Do you want help giving up smoking? Ask Your Doctor!’ So I made an appointment and asked him. He said, “Thanks, but I don’t smoke.”
Continue ReadingMy jokes are like my brow …
My jokes are like my browsing history: Almost always deleted except the occasional piece that goes unnoticed.
Continue ReadingSo what if it’s blowing a …
So what if it’s blowing a gale outside? I’m off to the brothel for Gail to blow me!
Continue ReadingNewcastle United’s new aw …
Newcastle United’s new away strip looks just like a deck chair. Ironically, there will be thousands of them at Blackpool next season.
Continue ReadingI posted a joke today, co …
I posted a joke today, cost me 60p.
Continue ReadingI had a row with my girlf …
I had a row with my girlfriend down the pub last night and ended up chucking my drink over her. Thank god I was only drinking Carling.
Continue ReadingI immediately hate people …
I immediately hate people who make snap judgements.
Continue ReadingI saw a transparent billb …
I saw a transparent billboard today “That’s a clear sign” I thought to myself.
Continue ReadingThis latest David Blaine …
This latest David Blaine disappearing trick is awesome. Does anyone know when he’s going to reappear? It must be like three years now?
Continue ReadingAnimals may be our friend …
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
Continue ReadingMy wife has been moaning …
My wife has been moaning and complaining a lot recently so i thought i’d buy that new book “50 shades of grey” as a suprise. You should have seen the look on her face when i smacked her round the head with it.
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