Ever noticed how Americans pride themselves on their donuts? Ever also noticed how British donuts traditionally don’t have holes in the middle? That’s the donut industry saying, “OK, we realise you’re not thick enough to buy half a donut, so here’s a full one.”
Continue ReadingStatistically, 6/9 sikipedians are perverts.
Continue ReadingWhat do I have in common with a neutrino? We’re both constantly penetrating your mum.
Continue ReadingI hate it when you’re applying for a job and employers ask really annoying questions, like “Do you have any outstanding criminal convictions?” or “Are you still a danger to women?”
Continue ReadingMy friend spends a fortune a week on laundry whereas I just give my clothes to Oxfam. They wash, dry, iron and mend the clothes then I buy them back for 50p.
Continue ReadingI’ve started a new sweet company…I’m going to make a mint.
Continue ReadingI’m managing a solo 80s tribute act. He’s a conductor that plays tunes on his Dyson with the lights turned off; Orchestral Man Hoovers In The Dark.
Continue ReadingA policeman stopped me earlier. “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over?” I said, “Because my tyres look like doughnuts?”
Continue ReadingMy friends say I always contradict them, but I disagree.
Continue ReadingI was with my wife when she gave birth to our first child, turns out yelling “Jellyfish” when her placenta came out was a bad idea.
Continue ReadingThe doctor just told me I have HIV. Didn’t realise I was allowed to drive long distance lorries.
Continue ReadingI like to whistle when I’m bored. Tends to make church more interesting.
Continue ReadingI told a beautiful woman I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole and she slapped me and left me. It’s hard being a gondolier sometimes.
Continue ReadingA cross dresser just got run over out side my house. What a drag.
Continue ReadingChef Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting cheese and wine from his local Tesco. BBC have announced he will be ready steady crooks new host!
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