At a previous work-place …
At a previous work-place there was a door that had a sign “Depress Lever to Enter”. I used to walk up to it and say, “You are the worst lever in the world”
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What did the Geordie say …
What did the Geordie say to the Ethiopian? Fly eye man.
Continue ReadingMy wife is a travel agent …
My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Continue ReadingI got arrested for smashi …
I got arrested for smashing the town clock with a hammer. “It was self defence.” I said to the policeman, “The clock struck first.”
Continue ReadingBBC News: Thinkers have d …
BBC News: Thinkers have different brain Yeah, it’s called “male”
Continue ReadingMe and my mum have just i …
Me and my mum have just invented a new type of super glue together. We have a unique bond.
Continue ReadingHow many cliches does it …
How many cliches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Continue ReadingI ordered a load of bubbl …
I ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.
Continue ReadingI don’t do observational …
I don’t do observational comedy. I don’t see the point…
Continue ReadingAnd so, with a heavy hear …
And so, with a heavy heart, I explained to the wife that I’ve got too much iron in my blood.
Continue ReadingMy wife forced me to watc …
My wife forced me to watch the final of Britain’s Got Talent in which Spelbound won. If I wanted to watch Tango’d, waxed six-packs throw themselves around the floor for no good reason, I would watch Cristiano Ronaldo in the World Cup
Continue ReadingI’ve got a new job workin …
I’ve got a new job working as one of those charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in the street. The man at the NSPCC told me they weren’t recruiting, but I kept him talking and eventually he realised it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day.
Continue ReadingApparently the new gorill …
Apparently the new gorilla pups at Bristol zoo were hand reared. Personally, I think that’s disgusting and don’t agree with zoophilia.
Continue ReadingMy nan doesn’t get the kn …
My nan doesn’t get the knock knock joke at all, Me – “Knock Knock” Nan – “Come in,” So i explained that she has to answer the door, so second time round, Me – “Knock Knock” Nan – “I’m just coming dear, “
Continue ReadingMy wife asked me ”What d …
My wife asked me ”What do you fancy doing tonight?”. I replied ”Honestly, Jessica Alba, but I guess I’m stuck with you!”.
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