If I had a pound for ever …
If I had a pound for every man my girlfriend has slept with; I’d be a pimp.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
Being an alcoholic, suffe …
Being an alcoholic, suffering from amnesia. I can’t remember the last time I had a drink
Continue ReadingHow many drummers does it …
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? One …. Two, and a-one two three four.
Continue ReadingThey always put ”For bes …
They always put ”For best before date: see side of pack” on groceries. Why can’t they just put the date there?
Continue ReadingA contestant accused me o …
A contestant accused me of being a really stingy gameshow host. No prizes for guessing what I said.
Continue ReadingThe missus had to have bo …
The missus had to have both her legs amputated and the doctor gave her some cream for the wounds. I’ll stand by her though…just to rub it in.
Continue ReadingIf an infinite number of …
If an infinite number of monkeys were given typewriters… …it would go some way to reducing the unemployment figures.
Continue ReadingTeacher: I hope I didn’t …
Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Fred’s test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn’t see me either!
Continue ReadingMy mate’s just bought Inf …
My mate’s just bought Inferno on DVD. I asked if he could burn me a copy.
Continue ReadingI’m worried. My father to …
I’m worried. My father told me that if I didn’t do well in my exams, he would put a child lock on babestation.
Continue ReadingTo build a bit of tension …
To build a bit of tension, I decided to use the “long pause” technique beloved of talent shows before I announced the result. After about ten seconds the Judge said, “A simple Guilty, or Not Guilty will suffice Mr Foreman.”
Continue ReadingI’ve just had a urine tes …
I’ve just had a urine test. Someone just phoned me up and said “You in?”
Continue ReadingThe 21st century. When de …
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Van der Sar to …
BBC News: Van der Sar to end career in May. I can’t wait to see that episode of Top Gear.
Continue ReadingI called over the air ste …
I called over the air stewardess and said, “Sorry to trouble you, but I’m trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back.” “I’m not surprised,” she replied, “That’s his seat and you’re squashing him.”
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