Last night my wife argued …
Last night my wife argued till she was blue in the face. Is making your point worth being suffocated for?
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I was having a bit of tro …
I was having a bit of trouble with my sleeping arrangements at Glastonbury. When a fit bird dressed in hot pants came over. She asked, “Is this the first time you’ve pitched a tent?” I said, “No love, it happens everytime I see a girl in hotpants.”
Continue ReadingAs a vet I used to think …
As a vet I used to think that the worst day of my working life would be when I put down a whole litter of healthy new born Afghans. But actually it was when I finished my tour of duty in Helmand Province and returned home.
Continue ReadingMy wife doesn’t believe m …
My wife doesn’t believe me when I tell her I’m not cheating on her and that I love her. Apparently doing it via skype from her sister’s bedroom is ‘pushing it.’
Continue ReadingI said to my wife this mo …
I said to my wife this morning, “You look like death” She said, “I haven’t done my make up yet!” I said, “That doesn’t really explain the hooded cloak and scythe”
Continue ReadingTinnitus sufferers – stop …
Tinnitus sufferers – stop whining.
Continue ReadingDid you hear about the ma …
Did you hear about the man who listened to the match? He burnt his ear.
Continue ReadingBeing a cobbler in Hollyw …
Being a cobbler in Hollywood, I sometimes have to tailor-make shoes for celebrities. These boots were made for Walken.
Continue ReadingWord of advice when at a …
Word of advice when at a job interview “A hip flask and some snacks” is not a good answer to the question “what will you bring to this job?”
Continue ReadingI used to have a job oper …
I used to have a job operating an elevator. It had its ups and downs…
Continue ReadingThere’s nothing unique ab …
There’s nothing unique about today’s date… My German wife has been screaming it for years.
Continue ReadingThe worst decision of all …
The worst decision of all time was made by the person who showed the Indians how to use the telephone.
Continue ReadingMy mother rang me before …
My mother rang me before and asked, ‘Son, im just making sure you have July 24th in your diary?’ ‘Of course I have, it’s a diary.’
Continue ReadingMe and the Wife have call …
Me and the Wife have called our new baby boy ‘Large’. We pulled his name out of a Hat.
Continue ReadingI bought a robotic chauff …
I bought a robotic chauffeur who runs entirely on Windows. He’s a software driver.
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