I got a round of applause …
I got a round of applause last night. In hindsight I think my friends would have preferred it if I’d stuck to drinks.
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“iPad is thin. iPad is be …
“iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.” Can I trade in my wife?
Continue ReadingEarwigs: For people who c …
Earwigs: For people who can’t grow their own ear hair.
Continue ReadingI was doing a Maths exam …
I was doing a Maths exam and a question on probability came up. What are the odds?
Continue ReadingToo many colours spoil th …
Too many colours spoil the goth
Continue ReadingDear URL bar, please can …
Dear URL bar, please can we agree on a number of clicks it takes to highlight the whole address? I click a few times, then click like a mad person only to miss the one time it actually got highlighted in my frenzied clicking.
Continue ReadingI go around handing out h …
I go around handing out hot water bottles and blankets at comedy gigs. I’m the warm up act.
Continue ReadingHave you heard the latest …
Have you heard the latest Red Nose Day slogan? Do something funny for money I love charity, so i robbed a midget and pushed him down the stairs
Continue ReadingI’m about to release a ne …
I’m about to release a new type of broom. Hopefully it will sweep the nation.
Continue ReadingI went for an interview t …
I went for an interview today for a job as a fortune teller, thinking i’d be able to wing it. it was all going fine until they asked me where i saw myself in 5 years.
Continue ReadingIt was my little un’s bir …
It was my little un’s birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. It’s great watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler’s List every year!
Continue ReadingI went to the newsagents …
I went to the newsagents at 3am this morning to get some milk but it was shut. There was a sign on the door that read: ‘Only 2 School Children Are Allowed In At Anytime’. So I woke my kids up and sent them to the shop instead.
Continue ReadingYo mamma’s so fat she fel …
Yo mamma’s so fat she fell in love and broke it
Continue ReadingWhen life gives you: high …
When life gives you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodexrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium furnarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours… Make lemonade
Continue ReadingThe days of the digital w …
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
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