I walked into the bank an …
I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.” “OK, with whom though?” “Whoever has a lot of money.”
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I’m writing a book about …
I’m writing a book about Elizabethan clothing and how uncomfortable it was in the winter. It’s a ruff draught
Continue ReadingI was struggling with the …
I was struggling with the crossword, so I asked my wife. “9 letters beginning with T. Athletic event comprising of three events?” She said, “Try Athlon.” Stupid cow. That’s only 6 letters and it starts with A.
Continue ReadingPrince Charles has been m …
Prince Charles has been made a Field Marshal, Admiral of the Fleet and Marshal of the Royal Air Force in the Honours list by his mum. My mum made me a jumper.
Continue ReadingI walked up to a tramp ho …
I walked up to a tramp holding out a fiver. As he smiled at me, I said “Got any change?”
Continue ReadingI got abducted last week. …
I got abducted last week. The gym manager said if I paid my outstanding membership fees I can get my stomach muscles back.
Continue ReadingMy parents gave me a real …
My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.
Continue ReadingDammit yet another suicid …
Dammit yet another suicide attempt thwarted by the supermarket refusing to sell me more than 2 packs of paracetamol.
Continue ReadingPeople always need their …
People always need their opinions validated. Am I right?
Continue ReadingIn the men’s room at work …
In the men’s room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: “Think!” The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, […]
Continue ReadingBBC News: “Giant bird fou …
BBC News: “Giant bird found on hobbit island” So, just a normal bird then?
Continue ReadingMy grandmother always fee …
My grandmother always feels cold after finishing a chili naan
Continue ReadingI said to the doctor “I f …
I said to the doctor “I fear German people” He replied “You’re Klaustraphobic.”
Continue ReadingMy kids love the adventur …
My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours. One day I might even let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window.
Continue ReadingI called my son last nigh …
I called my son last night. In my defence everyone at the delivery room kept coming up with stupid names.
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