Got stuck for hours today …
Got stuck for hours today in a hall of mirrors. I was beside myself with worry.
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I was accused of stealing …
I was accused of stealing and fired from my job at the mirror shop today. “Don’t worry” I said, “I’ll see myself out.”
Continue ReadingTo get the creases out of …
To get the creases out of your clothes, you’ve got to strike while the iron’s hot.
Continue ReadingDoes the dead hooker in m …
Does the dead hooker in my shed count as a garden hoe?
Continue ReadingI just bought a new under …
I just bought a new underscore key for my laptop. I got it for next to nothing.
Continue ReadingJust like a lot of kids m …
Just like a lot of kids my age across the country i got my results back today and they are awful, I’ve got chlamydia
Continue ReadingI was sacked from my role …
I was sacked from my role in Oliver Twist for refusing to stick to the script. Need I say more?
Continue ReadingI take my hat off to inse …
I take my hat off to insecure bald men.
Continue ReadingI always put my coat on t …
I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it’s any of my in-laws, then I can say; “Sorry, I was just on my way out” and barge past them.
Continue ReadingI was the teacher’s pet w …
I was the teacher’s pet when I was at school. She couldn’t afford a dog.
Continue ReadingI’ve created a perfume ou …
I’ve created a perfume out of potatoes. It’s got a crisp scent.
Continue ReadingMe and my girlfriend trie …
Me and my girlfriend tried roast badger at our local restaurant last night. We had the sett meal for two.
Continue ReadingDon’t bite the hand that …
Don’t bite the hand that feeds. Unless it’s Monster Munch.
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS: “Camerons visit …
BBC NEWS: “Camerons visit late son’s school” Little harsh of the school calling up Mr Cameron about his son being late into school considering he died last year.
Continue ReadingOne of my cats is called …
One of my cats is called Maddie. Literally just for the grave stone in the garden when she dies.
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