I had a call today saying …
I had a call today saying my son’s purple motorbike had been involved in a fatal collision. I knew it was absolute rubbish; my son rides violet coloured motorbike.
Continue ReadingI had a call today saying my son’s purple motorbike had been involved in a fatal collision. I knew it was absolute rubbish; my son rides violet coloured motorbike.
Continue ReadingAs my father was lying in his hospital bed, attached to a life support machine in pain and heartache he said to me: ”I can’t stand another day of this” ‘What do you mean? You’ll be able to cope” I painstakingly replied. ”I dont think I can go on, this is like torture!, Listen son, […]
Continue ReadingI don’t understand why everyone seems to blame me for the death of that sword swallower- he told us not to touch him during his act, he never said anything about waving a magnet in front of his neck.
Continue ReadingI went to visit my parents today for the first time in a while. “How’s it going, Mum?” I asked. “Couldn’t be better,” she said. “And this may come as quite a shock to you, but we’re having a baby.” “That is quite a shock,” I replied. “But if Dad’s fine, I’m up for it.”
Continue ReadingI rang my solicitors up yesterday ‘Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy’ I said to the man on the other end “Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?” He said “Sorry, he’s with another client at the moment” So I asked “Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?” To which he replied “I’m sorry he’s just […]
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend asked me to say something dirty to her in bed the other night. Apparently “make like my fungal infection and spread” isn’t what she had in mind.
Continue ReadingMy wife said she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where’s this stemming from petal?
Continue ReadingJohnson’s ‘No more tears’ baby shampoo is a total swizz – it took some pulling, but we still managed to tear ours in half.
Continue ReadingMy wifes lost a bit of weight. My jeans are too loose now! she exclaimed What do you think, fatty? I gave her a belt.
Continue ReadingMy french neighbour and I got talking, she said “I grab ‘appiness whenever possible.” Sounds like my kind of slag.
Continue ReadingBBC News: UK troops to pull out of Sangin. Well that must be a relief for Sangin, whoever she is.
Continue ReadingThe Wife Said She Was Leaving Me To Become A Hooker… I Wonder What Rugby Team She’s Gonna Play For?
Continue ReadingArgos are having their biggest ever furniture sale. I just bought a 20 foot long sofa.
Continue ReadingI said to my wife this morning, “I don’t think we should have turkey for Christmas this year, I think it’s too dry.” “I know what you mean,” she replied. “If it starts to rain, then shall we have it?”
Continue ReadingI was walking through town today and a tramp said to me, “Hi mate. Have you got any loose change?” I jingled my pocket and said, “No, it’s all nice and secure.”
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