I’m loving my low fat die …
I’m loving my low fat diet. I don’t have to eat the wife out any more.
Continue ReadingI love grooming young chi …
I love grooming young children. They’re always well behaved and they show good manners when they come to my salon for a haircut.
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I was so stressed at being behind in the mortgage repayments I ended up punching my three year old in the mouth. It should get me about 100 from the tooth fairy.
Continue ReadingThree days ago my girlfri …
Three days ago my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. ‘Easy’ I replied. ‘Skyrim. It’s what everyone is talking about.’ Now three days later, as I’m bent over a plane toilet in a tiny cubicle, 20,00ft in the air, I can’t help but feel I should have elaborated a bit more…
Continue ReadingPeople are always so than …
People are always so thankful to doctor’s for being the part of society that cures people, but really each time I visit a doctor, all that happens is that he slightly delays my death.
Continue ReadingWhy could a black man hav …
Why could a black man have never theorised Newtons Theory of Gravitation? They would have been killed when the coconut fell on their head.
Continue Reading“LSD ‘helps alcoholics to …
“LSD ‘helps alcoholics to give up drinking’” In the same way that a bullet helps you give up oxygen.
Continue ReadingI was busy making fun of …
I was busy making fun of the leper next door when suddenly he started giving me lip. His upper lip to be precise.
Continue ReadingWhat did one O2 customer …
What did one O2 customer say to the other? Nothing
Continue ReadingI was driving through Ire …
I was driving through Ireland yesterday, when I was suddenly pulled over for driving too close to a milk float. I got 3 pints.
Continue ReadingMy mate phoned me up the …
My mate phoned me up the other day, and said “have you been watching the ladies Ryder cup, its brilliant?” I was disappointed when I found out it was Golf.
Continue ReadingAs an executioner in lync …
As an executioner in lynching criminals, I first started out a rookie. But after some time I started to get the hang of it.
Continue ReadingApparently the average PC …
Apparently the average PC crashes 3 times a year. It must cost the Police a fortune in replacement cars.
Continue Reading17 Remain Dead In Morgue …
17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree
Continue ReadingThis young Scots girl was …
This young Scots girl was handing out flyers for a new takeaway in our town. I noticed they were selling buffalo burgers on the menu. “That’s a bit different,” I said. What’s it like?” “Would you like a wee sample?” she replied. “Not right now,” I said, “but I’ll have a try of that buffalo […]
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