Been on hold so long I ca …
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Continue ReadingIf you haven’t got anythi …
If you haven’t got anything interesting to say… join Facebook and tell everyone on there.
Continue ReadingMy wife doesn’t like it w …
My wife doesn’t like it when I dunk into my cup of tea so I’ve agreed to stop. It will be a relief to not have to apply antiseptic cream onto my foreskin afterwards as well.
Continue ReadingI’m normally quite cynica …
I’m normally quite cynical about over counter treatments but I really think this antisceptic cream is starting to work.
Continue Reading“We don’t always see eye …
“We don’t always see eye to eye, but I want you to know I love you like a brother. Well, maybe not a brother. More like a cousin. Or a step-nephew.” “Gee. Thanks, dad.”
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend and I were …
My girlfriend and I were just about to bang in the shower for the first time ever, when she said to me: “If you had, one shot, one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment. Would you capture it?” And then I slipped.
Continue ReadingI went to see The Smurfs …
I went to see The Smurfs today. It totally blue my mind….
Continue ReadingIt’s my wifes birthday co …
It’s my wifes birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she’s in for a rude awakening. I’m buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.
Continue ReadingI was shocked today to fi …
I was shocked today to find my first grey pubic hair. It was in my Big Mac meal.
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound for ever …
If I had a pound for everytime someone started a sentence with, ‘If I had a pound for everytime’. I’d have enough pounds to give everyone who started a sentence with, ‘If I had a pound for everytime’, a pound.
Continue ReadingPeople are always telling …
People are always telling me to stop eating trousers. I just wish they’d cut me some slack.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend asked me if …
My girlfriend asked me if i could act out a word that had all the vowels in alphabetical order. She didn’t appreciate my efforts, and stormed out, saying “There’s no need to be facetious!”
Continue ReadingBBC News: US bounty for ‘ …
BBC News: US bounty for ‘Al-Qaeda’ man. Because nothing makes people want to catch an extremist more than the taste of coconut smothered in smooth milk chocolate.
Continue ReadingMy wife accused me of bei …
My wife accused me of being a desperate procrastinator earlier. I beg to defer.
Continue ReadingA lorry has shed it’s loa …
A lorry has shed it’s load of pepper mills on the M1. Traffic has ground to a halt.
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