My boss said, “You’ve bee …
My boss said, “You’ve been late into the store nearly every day since you started here. Well not any more. Do you understand?” “Yeah I think so. You’re going to make the opening times later.”
Continue ReadingIf I ever win the lottery …
If I ever win the lottery… I’ll be amazed, because I don’t play it.
Continue ReadingMan fired for washing him …
Man fired for washing himself with urine One minute urine, the next urout.
Continue ReadingIt’s just been confirmed …
It’s just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war. Stan Welbeck
Continue ReadingI’m going on a rampage at …
I’m going on a rampage at the deed poll office tomorrow. I’ll definitely be making a name for myself!
Continue ReadingI had a seeded roll for l …
I had a seeded roll for lunch today but I didn’t have to cut it. I just said, “Open Sesame.”
Continue ReadingI was furious when a rand …
I was furious when a random stranger started beating me around the head with his list of runners and riders when I was enjoying an afternoon at Ascot. I can’t stand it when people use the race card on me.
Continue ReadingI came home from work tod …
I came home from work today to find the wife crashed on the settee: “Evening love” I said, “how did your first driving lesson go then?”
Continue ReadingWhere do women pee? Beca …
Where do women pee? Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men.
Continue ReadingMy grandma said to me the …
My grandma said to me the other day “what would i do without my soaps?” You would smell, grandma.
Continue ReadingMimes have an interesting …
Mimes have an interesting job… to say the least.
Continue ReadingAs he cried into the sand …
As he cried into the sandcastles, I realised Grandpa hadn’t been asking for a vacation when he said “I’ve not been to the beach since 1944.”
Continue ReadingI got on a bus last night …
I got on a bus last night. The female conductor said, “Hold very tight please.” … I’m due in court next month.
Continue ReadingThere are very tense scen …
There are very tense scenes at the World Speed Perm finals. At the moment, it’s two sets each.
Continue ReadingSomeones stolen my cup of …
Someones stolen my cup of coffee. I’ve been mugged.
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