Whenever I find a pretty …
Whenever I find a pretty girl I look for intelligence. Because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine!
Continue ReadingMy brother and I were see …
My brother and I were seeing all these Pope jokes come up and wondered how many more months they would drag on for. He suddenly shouted – “Let’s have a sweepstake”. I replied “Its not the time to be thinking of eating Sooty’s friend”.
Continue ReadingA hypersonic jet is being …
A hypersonic jet is being developed in America. The good news is it will be able to fly from America to the UK in one hour. The bad news is it’ll be full of Yanks
Continue ReadingThe other day i was at a …
The other day i was at a restaurant and a waiter challenged me to a rap battle I got served
Continue ReadingI turned to my mother and …
I turned to my mother and said, “I think i’ve finally found the one”. She started screaming in joy “CONGRATULATIONS!” Didnt know someone could get so excited about soduko.
Continue ReadingJust got sacked from my j …
Just got sacked from my job today. I didn’t realise that they actually packed fudge in boxes.
Continue ReadingA mate who lives near Oxf …
A mate who lives near Oxford rang me up this morning. “Whitney’s dead!” he exclaimed. “Move somewhere more exciting then,” I replied.
Continue ReadingI saw a woman stood in he …
I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying. I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.”
Continue ReadingMy mates got one eye bril …
My mates got one eye brilliantly disguised as a pirate. Its not a patch on the other one.
Continue Reading“Daddy, when I grow up I …
“Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a pharmacist!” my daughter exclaimed. “Why on earth would she want to be a helper on a farm?” I thought to myself
Continue ReadingI was walking down the st …
I was walking down the street when I saw about 12 people huddled round this old guy laying on the floor, one of them ran over to me and shouted “please tell me you’ve got a phone, we need to ring an ambulance or he’s going to die!” I replied “Sorry I haven’t” I don’t […]
Continue ReadingSometimes when i’m bored, …
Sometimes when i’m bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can’t find it.
Continue ReadingMy door-bell went this mo …
My door-bell went this morning. That’s the third time this week it’s been nicked.
Continue ReadingI got pulled over by a po …
I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone. “Sir, I’m afraid that’s a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence,” he said. “Oh, for crying out loud!” “No, for speeding.”
Continue ReadingI entered a contest last …
I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win, but I came varicose.
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