TIP: convince people you’ …
TIP: convince people you’re a time traveller from the very near future by telling them you’ve never heard of Matt Cardle.
Continue ReadingI think the guy who came …
I think the guy who came up with the ‘A B C D E F G U’ grading system failed English.
Continue ReadingPosh Spice spent 20,000 o …
Posh Spice spent 20,000 on a crocodile handbag. Imagine wasting so much on a leathery old accessory. I’m sure David Beckham ends up asking himself the same question every day.
Continue ReadingThe wife woke me up at fi …
The wife woke me up at five o’clock this morning to nip down the shop for the papers. I think she might have a serious cannabis problem.
Continue ReadingMy wife just told me she …
My wife just told me she was in town and saw a chicken crossing the road I said to her “you must be joking”
Continue ReadingWhatever about trying to …
Whatever about trying to find a needle in a haystack, try finding a piece of hay in a stack of needles
Continue ReadingI’ve got a mole that has …
I’ve got a mole that has turned a funny colour which worries me slightly. I think I’ll take it to the vet.
Continue ReadingAll the big supermarkets …
All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer. It’s no frills.
Continue ReadingIf life gives you melons, …
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Continue ReadingMy doctor said to me, “I’ …
My doctor said to me, “I’ve got 2 things to tell you. You’ve just won a liffetime’s supply of beans.” I said, “Oh, that’s good.” He then handed me over 1 tin of Heinz. I said, “I thought you said I won a lifetime’s supply?” He said, “That’s the other thing, you’ve only got 24 […]
Continue ReadingI’m working hard today. T …
I’m working hard today. The fit girl sat opposite me is wearing a low cut top.
Continue ReadingSome smelly homeless lose …
Some smelly homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked ” ‘ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?” so I said ” yes here’s twenty, get me one”
Continue ReadingIts not nice to make fun …
Its not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad’s got a wheelchair… He nicked it off a crippled child
Continue ReadingIt makes me sick how chil …
It makes me sick how children get so excited about fast food. I’ve just seen 2 young boys burst through the door of KFC and run to the counter to order food. However, a gun seemed a funny method of payment.
Continue ReadingI was at my psychiatrist’ …
I was at my psychiatrist’s the other day, and we were speaking about love. She asked me, “have you personally suffered any heartache she asked?” When I replied yes, she then asked me how I dealt with it all. A bottle of Gaviscon apparently was not an appropriate answer.
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