I got sent to prison for …
I got sent to prison for stabbing my wife 324 times. I only meant to stab her once but I couldn’t turn the electric carving knife off.
Continue ReadingWhat’s black but smells o …
What’s black but smells of Pakis? My truncheon.
Continue ReadingI’ve recently developed a …
I’ve recently developed a belief in Feng Shui. The Jeremy Kyle show was on and I turned the TV to face the wall and felt a lot happier.
Continue ReadingTh Is there no end to thi …
Th Is there no end to this?
Continue ReadingI don’t know what my butc …
I don’t know what my butcher’s problem is. Today I asked him for a hot chop, but he gave me the cold shoulder.
Continue ReadingI wonder if Johnnie Walke …
I wonder if Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels attend meetings of Alcoholics Eponymous?
Continue ReadingI’m sick and tired of ove …
I’m sick and tired of overdosing on sleeping pills.
Continue ReadingThere’s a new Fish and Ch …
There’s a new Fish and Chip shop opened up in my area so I thought I would go. What a lovely plaice.
Continue ReadingMy friend invited me arou …
My friend invited me around to his place for a Meat Feast last night. I thought “That sounds like the worst ice-cream ever”.
Continue ReadingIts not an optical illusi …
Its not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Continue ReadingI’m training my new dog. …
I’m training my new dog. Or whatever hitting it with a train is called.
Continue ReadingJust met a guy who’s supp …
Just met a guy who’s supposed to be an expert at origami. I gave him the “cold stare” and sneered at him. He folded
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend asked, “Why …
My girlfriend asked, “Why don’t you ever get my jokes about your laziness?” I said, “Get them yourself”
Continue ReadingDid you hear that Chelsea …
Did you hear that Chelsea’s bid for that Valencia player fell through this morning? Oh well, no Mata
Continue Reading‘Describing my love for y …
‘Describing my love for you is like describing the taste of water,’ I said to my new girlfriend. Smiling, she said ‘Awww..’ ‘Yeah, its bland and doesn’t exist.’
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