I walked past a homeless …
I walked past a homeless man today and he shouted to me, ‘Have you got a pound for a sandwich?’ I replied, ‘Show me the sandwich and i’ll give you a pound for it!’
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend came runnin …
My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “There’s a huge spider in there!” She said. “Thanks love, I’ll remember to knock first.” I replied.
Continue ReadingI caused an uproar at the …
I caused an uproar at the zoo today. I was filling lions with helium.
Continue ReadingMy wife and I were settli …
My wife and I were settling in for a long train journey. “Are you comfortable, is the seat soft?” I asked. “Yes,” she replied. “Not feeling any draught?” “No.” “No vibrations or shaking?” “No.” So we swapped places.
Continue ReadingMy son came home in tears …
My son came home in tears after school. He said, “I got bullied today, the children stuck my head down a badger’s hole.” “Right,” I angrily replied, “Tell me where they live!” He said, “They’re on the school field.”
Continue ReadingBeing crushed by large ob …
Being crushed by large objects can be very depressing.
Continue ReadingWorking at an airconditio …
Working at an airconditioning company is like being a rock star. You know how to turn on the fans.
Continue ReadingI was taking a risk openi …
I was taking a risk opening a butchers shop on Blackpool tower. The steaks were high.
Continue ReadingWe know CCTV will lead to …
We know CCTV will lead to the downfall of civilised society. Orwell that ends well.
Continue ReadingModel trains make me Horn …
Model trains make me Hornby.
Continue ReadingI worked very hard to get …
I worked very hard to get to where I am in life. An unemployed university graduate.
Continue ReadingJust finished reading a b …
Just finished reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were excellent.
Continue ReadingRussia experiencing Inter …
Russia experiencing Internet problems throughout the country, Must be Kremlin’s in the system.
Continue ReadingNada, zilch, zero, nil. T …
Nada, zilch, zero, nil. These words mean nothing to me.
Continue ReadingI often have flings with …
I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them outside in the woods. How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone.
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