I thought I’d try some Fr …
I thought I’d try some French dressing at lunchtime today. I don’t think a striped jumper and beret looked that good on me.
Continue ReadingI was in tears when my ca …
I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; “I love you Piddles, never forget that.” I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my family as I plodded off into the kitchen.
Continue ReadingI saw a flying saucer thi …
I saw a flying saucer this morning. It flew right out of my hand and hit the wife in the head.
Continue ReadingMy Speed awareness course …
My Speed awareness course lasted 45 minutes. I did it in 10.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between me and your mum? About 12 inches, then 0 inches, then 12 again etc. We’re both stuck in traffic.
Continue ReadingThere is a designated are …
There is a designated area in my workplace which contains eyewash and patches in case of accidents with the chemicals we use. I thought, “That’s a site for sore eyes.”
Continue ReadingI once built a time machi …
I once built a time machine. Yes, I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Continue ReadingThese jokes about the Bat …
These jokes about the Batman shootings are the Bane of my existence.
Continue ReadingI’m sick to death of my w …
I’m sick to death of my wife turning every shopping trip into a drama. It’s bad enough having to remember what’s on the list, never mind learn some lines to a stupid play.
Continue ReadingChris Benoit is my biolog …
Chris Benoit is my biological dad. Thank God he didn’t know
Continue ReadingHey babe, you can call me …
Hey babe, you can call me gamma ray, Because you’re going to get penetrated at the highest level
Continue ReadingI feed my children sewage …
I feed my children sewage. They are, quite literally, drains on my resources.
Continue ReadingWhen i worked at the jewe …
When i worked at the jewellers i was accused of stealing a valuable broach.. But they just couldn`t pin it on me..
Continue ReadingI’ve started a charity su …
I’ve started a charity supplying bikes to injured war veterans. If you want to donate, send your bike to raleighthetroops.com
Continue ReadingI’ve been watching you fo …
I’ve been watching you for ages, when you’re on the bus or walking. But I know you’ve never noticed that I’ve been arrested twice for stalking…
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