My wife is that lazy she’ …
My wife is that lazy she’s been pregnant for 18 months.
Continue ReadingAn apple a day keeps the …
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… If you throw hard enough.
Continue ReadingIt was my 18th birthday t …
It was my 18th birthday today and my mum asked what the best gift was she ever got me. “Without doubt, it would have to be the time machine for my 50th,” I replied.
Continue ReadingI went to see the doctor …
I went to see the doctor yesterday. What seems to be the problem, Edgar? he asked. Well, I think I suffer from schizophrenia, I said, being Frank.
Continue ReadingI walked into a room in t …
I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, “I’d like to offer my condolences.” They said, “No you don’t understand, we’ve just had a baby.” I said, “I know, I can see it, it’s minging”
Continue Reading“Beauty is only skin deep …
“Beauty is only skin deep!”…. One of the many reasons not to get with a wog.
Continue ReadingA businessman was having …
A businessman was having real trouble getting a very heavy and lumpy bag onto the aircraft and into the overhead compartment. It took two stewards to help him, and once it was up and secure one steward asked breathlessly ‘Do you always travel with such heavy and awkward luggage?’ He replied ‘Oh no, sometimes it’s […]
Continue ReadingI just took an online qui …
I just took an online quiz called “How Gullible Are You?” Result? “Thank You for sharing all your personal information for market research.”
Continue ReadingHow much is 200 pounds in …
How much is 200 pounds in America? Underweight.
Continue ReadingYesterday when I went to …
Yesterday when I went to fill up my car with petrol I was surrounded by people filling up rusty old tin cans. Or, as they should be called, second-hand Fiat Puntos.
Continue ReadingNice to see JML have rele …
Nice to see JML have released a new product, a French woollen blanket with goes over your car, the Nicholas car cosy.
Continue ReadingI have a genius fish. So …
I have a genius fish. So smart, in fact, that he has been allowed to join a local high school. That was until recently when he took Debate.
Continue ReadingI literally like metaphor …
I literally like metaphors and similes.
Continue ReadingI was reading through a f …
I was reading through a fashion magazine and one of the pages said, “Winter’s coming up, find out what’s hot this season!” I thought, “Radiators.”
Continue ReadingI had a one night stand r …
I had a one night stand recently, and to be honest, I would have much preferred sitting.
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