My wife asked me to take …
My wife asked me to take down the blinds while I was up at the window. So I shot them both in the head, sending the guide dogs fleeing the scene.
Continue ReadingGetting my cataracts remo …
Getting my cataracts removed really opened my eyes.
Continue ReadingHow do you make a dead ba …
How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Continue ReadingMy Dad had a stroke yeste …
My Dad had a stroke yesterday. He’s all right now.
Continue ReadingI was in Portugal a few w …
I was in Portugal a few weeks back when i saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and i found myself thinking, ‘When in Rome…’
Continue ReadingPeople say I’m a bit of a …
People say I’m a bit of a joke killer. But surely if someone knocks on your door you ask them to come in ?
Continue ReadingMy mate just spent an hou …
My mate just spent an hour and a half sat in one spot desperately trying to put up a tent. Camping noob.
Continue ReadingPretend you are going on …
Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on the floor.
Continue ReadingI hate pedantic people. W …
I hate pedantic people. Well, when I say hate, I mean I have a strong disliking of them, and by people, I mean those amongst my friends, family, and acquaintances.
Continue ReadingI had a job interview at …
I had a job interview at London Midland today. I walked into the room then straight out. They got that impressed that I was asked if I could start immediately
Continue ReadingBilly Bob and Luther were …
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I […]
Continue ReadingTeenage pregnancy and dru …
Teenage pregnancy and drug use rates are rising. No wonder this year’s biology and chemistry exam results reached a record high.
Continue ReadingIf that emo kid next door …
If that emo kid next door doesn’t stop playing the drums, there’ll be serious repercussions.
Continue ReadingRaisin cookies that look …
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues
Continue ReadingMy little sister asked me …
My little sister asked me what she should get for unzipping. I told her a fiver was pretty reasonable. In the end though, she just used WinZip. And stopped talking to me.
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