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My wifes name is Lisa, she complains a lot and she really loves Leonardo da Vinci art. The nick name I gave her is obvious. Although she hates it when I call her Obvious.

I told my wife that she had drawn her eyebrows too high, she looked quite surprised….!

The wife, annoyed, asked our son, “How often do you lose pieces for your Scalextric?” “Don’t know,” he replied, “I’ve lost track.”

BBC NEWS: Tear gas used on Syria mourners. Somehow, I don’t think the tear gas was necessary.

I was in the pub last night when my friend started doing card tricks to 5 pints of beer. I said to him, “Stop fooling a round.”

Sky News – “Thieves prepare to strike over Christmas” Great I can leave all my windows and doors unlocked without worry now

I’m so looking forward to turkey this Christmas. I just hope Heathrow gets the runway open.

my wife, my daughter, my son, my mother, my father, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have all left me due to my obsession with Bingo I’m glad they did anyway, it was a full house.

I’m getting fed up with reading Time Machine jokes. If I read another one, I’ll hang myself yesterday morning.

I walked into the pub and got a round of applause. Never heard of it before but it tasted alright.

My 31st girlfriend was American and it was a bit awkward, especially in the bedroom. But then, all my other girlfriends have been about 9st – 11st.