I beat my mate by five fr …
I beat my mate by five frames to nil yesterday which really upset him. He’s now lost his security job at the art gallery.
Continue ReadingWithout me, it’s just awe …
Without me, it’s just aweso.
Continue ReadingI’d heard that the steak …
I’d heard that the steak served at Stringfellows is the best you can get, so I decided to try one. What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless. I said “Hi Peter. Where’s my steak?”
Continue ReadingI just backed a horse in …
I just backed a horse in the bookies. The manager looked at me and said, “You can’t do that mate.” I said, “Why not?” He said, “Horses are not allowed in here.”
Continue ReadingI went to school to becom …
I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through though.
Continue ReadingTop Tip. London Borough C …
Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second ‘No Ball games’ sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.
Continue ReadingIt’s hard to explain how …
It’s hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.
Continue ReadingSky News: A man had a bul …
Sky News: A man had a bullet lodged in the back of his head for five years because he was too drunk to realise. “Obviously had one to many shots then.”
Continue ReadingI bought a second hand Fe …
I bought a second hand FedEx van today. I hate the colour and the uniform, but I can park it anywhere.
Continue ReadingI hate it when I get a te …
I hate it when I get a text but I have to wait about half an hou *some text missing*
Continue ReadingGive your wife a head sta …
Give your wife a head start on her way to 5 a day Push her down the Apples and Pears
Continue ReadingScientists have just deci …
Scientists have just deciphered a suicide note left on a wall from the Ice Age, it reads: Goodbye cool world
Continue ReadingScientists have discovere …
Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans i don’t agree, i’ve never had a chicken breast with a nipple.
Continue ReadingTo be or not to be , that …
To be or not to be , that is TWO questions.
Continue ReadingAccording to BBC news, “G …
According to BBC news, “Gene offers bowel cancer ‘shield’”. Is there no end to Hackman’s talents?
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