I’ll never forget the tim …
I’ll never forget the time I crossed a dyslexic mafia boss. I ended up on a boat full of narcoleptics holding a fishing rod & net. That night I was fishing with the sleepy’s.
Continue ReadingPrayers to God can be com …
Prayers to God can be compared to “pokes” on Facebook. A pointless feature that will often be ignored but only used when the person is extremely bored.
Continue ReadingI can’t find a synonym fo …
I can’t find a synonym for synonym. I did find an antonym for it, though.
Continue ReadingWife: “It’s started snowi …
Wife: “It’s started snowing outside” Husband: “Good. I hate it when it snows inside”.
Continue ReadingI’ve got the memory of a …
I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. It’s name was Bubbles and he was my first pet.
Continue Reading“There’s still life in th …
“There’s still life in the old dog yet.” I said dumping my neighbours crippled, half conscious dog on their porch after hitting it with my car.
Continue ReadingSo you’re trying to convi …
So you’re trying to convince me that I’ve turned into a non-metallic element? I wasn’t boron yesterday
Continue ReadingFatty foods are bad for y …
Fatty foods are bad for you, this is true! In fact I recently spent time in hospital after trying to nick a crisp off Dawn French.
Continue ReadingA young boy came home fro …
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.” “What did you do?” the mother asked. “I hit him with my purse!”
Continue ReadingA tramp came to me and sa …
A tramp came to me and said, “alright mate do you wanna buy some weed from me? I need to pay for a room tonight and it’s top stuff.” I turned to him and said, “there’s a cop there, say that to him and you’ll be inside for a while.”
Continue ReadingI’m thinking of opening a …
I’m thinking of opening a strip club which has a restaurant upstairs. Bangers ‘n’ Gash.
Continue ReadingDoctor: I’ve got the resu …
Doctor: I’ve got the results of your test; you have gonorrhoea, chlamydia and onomatopoeia. Me: What’s onomatopoeia? Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.
Continue Readinglike most romans my age i …
like most romans my age i’m XXVII
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend’s eating fo …
My girlfriend’s eating for two. I stood her up at the restaurant.
Continue Readingi don’t know how any of t …
i don’t know how any of them at the paralympics plan on winning, every time i see them they’re legless
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