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My mates a Ski instructor…. He teaches people to eat yoghurts safely.

Do I have insomnia or amnesia? I Was up all night thinking about it, but I’ve forgotten which is which.

I’ve always wanted to work in a colliery, but can’t see it happening now. Never mined.

When I got arrested for flashing in public I was so furious I took it out on my kids.

My mate was preparing something in the kitchen ‘What are you doing?’ I asked him ‘I’m making my fish pie’, he said What an idiot, I thought. Fish don’t even eat pie

In today’s newspaper i read a food critic’s review of an Italian restaurant in Glasgow. Don’t think that he thought much of it though. The headline read “It’s the place to go pasta”.

If I had a Penny for everytime I forgot my wifes name. There wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.

This man told me that he had finally finished a 10 year sentence. To which I replied “Learn some punctuation, man”

Last night I dropped a bottle of wine and three beers. I can’t handle my drink.