A man makes a complaint a …
A man makes a complaint at a cheap hotel. “My room is swimming in water,” he says. “Does it always leak like that?” “No, sir,” the receptionist replies. “Only when it’s raining.”
Continue Reading“Jump in the car, I’m tak …
“Jump in the car, I’m taking you out for something to eat” I said the wife. “I’ll pay if you drive.” “Ok!” she said “but I’m having something expensive!” “No problem,” I replied, “just make sure you speak your order loudly and clearly into the microphone.”
Continue ReadingI’m going to open up a pu …
I’m going to open up a pub exclusively for rapists, and name it ‘The Fawcett Inn’
Continue ReadingTwo people have been seri …
Two people have been seriously injured. The other four were just jokingly hurt.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Ban on court fi …
BBC News: Ban on court filming to be lifted Does that mean I’ve been watching the tennis illegally on TV?
Continue ReadingI tried to open some vowe …
I tried to open some vowels and climb inside them, but it was dangerous. Ended up in A&E.
Continue ReadingI’m really worried becaus …
I’m really worried because I’ve been unable to get hold of my wife for hours. Soon it’ll be daylight and someone is bound to see me struggling with the body.
Continue ReadingI hate when Barry White c …
I hate when Barry White comes to my dinner parties. He really lowers the tone.
Continue ReadingI’ve just been caught try …
I’ve just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country, I’m worried I might be deported.
Continue ReadingI was out playing golf ye …
I was out playing golf yesterday when my boss rang to ask why I wasn’t at work. I said “I’m on a course.” He replied “Oh, that’s okay then.”
Continue ReadingI hate people who use lon …
I hate people who use long words they don’t actually understand the meaning of. They’re such oxymorons.
Continue ReadingI asked this girl if she …
I asked this girl if she fancied going round the back of the bike sheds after school. “Yeah, sure!” she said, going red. “Should be fun” as she headed off towards them. “No it won’t” I thought, as I went home to play on my xbox.
Continue ReadingMe and my sister were hav …
Me and my sister were having an argument this morning in the kitchen. Our mom walked in and said: “Looks like you guys woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” How does she know what me and my sister did last night?
Continue ReadingGot my oral exam out of t …
Got my oral exam out of the way this morning. There seemed to be a bit of confusion at the start, just as I unzipped him, he started speaking french.
Continue ReadingI just sniffed a whole lo …
I just sniffed a whole load of crack! Now I’m banned from the Plumbing and Building union.
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