“Sit up straight at the d …
“Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son. “Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn’t.” “That’s because he’s spineless,” she replied. I really should say something but I don’t want to cause a fuss.
Continue ReadingA woman screamed, “No mea …
A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today. I left soon after. It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.
Continue ReadingSerena Williams: “I was l …
Serena Williams: “I was literally on my deathbed.” So you’re giving this interview through a seance, are you?
Continue ReadingMy Girlfriend says I’m in …
My Girlfriend says I’m incapable of keeping good hygiene. I’ll show’er.
Continue ReadingI love cooking with wine. …
I love cooking with wine… sometimes I put it in the food as well
Continue ReadingA guy came into my gym to …
A guy came into my gym today. I couldn’t believe it. I never thought Jim would ever cheat on me.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a one le …
What do you call a one legged ginger bread man? Limp biscuit.
Continue ReadingBut I’m colour blind your …
But I’m colour blind your honor! Is apparently ‘not good enough’ for why I ran seven black people over last week.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend left me bec …
My girlfriend left me because I over-romanticise everything. In fact, I remember the day she left. She opened the front door and an ethereal light illuminated the darkened house, my love was then lifted by the wings of a hundred angels and carried to the heavens, for God knew her beauty was too great for […]
Continue ReadingI decided to take the bus …
I decided to take the bus this morning………. The driver left the keys in the ignition when he went to the toilet.
Continue ReadingI confidently walked up t …
I confidently walked up to a girl at the bar and introduced myself. She looked me in the eyes and said, “I think you’re the one.” “Well how about we see how tonight goes first,” I replied. “No, you’re definitely the one. It was five years ago and I was walking through the park late […]
Continue ReadingIf your blow up doll’s ta …
If your blow up doll’s talking back to you… Puncture.
Continue ReadingI struggled to lift a bot …
I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier. It was an Evian.
Continue ReadingI opened a small accounta …
I opened a small accountancy practice which I named ‘Counts’. Business was pretty poor until I realised that the ‘o’ had fallen off the sign outside the office.
Continue ReadingBombs are said to be the …
Bombs are said to be the cause of over 100 deaths every five minutes. Just thought i’d throw that one out there.
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