My missus says I’m sick, …
My missus says I’m sick, stupid and immoral. She’s obviously the stupid one for believing I’ll live forever.
Continue ReadingMy Goldfish keeps getting …
My Goldfish keeps getting my name wrong. Everytime I go up to the bowl it keeps shouting, “Bob”
Continue ReadingI’ve just been up in cour …
I’ve just been up in court charged with flying my Sky-writing plane too close to the ground. The judge gave me a suspended sentence.
Continue ReadingI’m sick of people tellin …
I’m sick of people telling me I’m a weakling so tonight I went to the gym. After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it […]
Continue ReadingI really have invented th …
I really have invented the worlds smallest violin, But everyone thinks I’m just being sarcastic!
Continue ReadingFate. The Lazy way of def …
Fate. The Lazy way of defining coincidence to morons.
Continue ReadingI just bought some new sc …
I just bought some new scales for the bathroom, It looks like a fish now.
Continue ReadingMy wife was murdered beca …
My wife was murdered because she knew too much. If she were still alive, I’m sure next time she would think twice before agreeing to play Trivial Pursuit with the Mafia.
Continue ReadingTo all the kids that fail …
To all the kids that failed their GCSE’s, remember 2 things. 1.) You tried your absolute hardest. 2.) I don’t have gherkins on my burger.
Continue ReadingI’ve got a faulty euro 20 …
I’ve got a faulty euro 2012 tent for sale. It hasn’t got any Poles.
Continue ReadingI was holding on to our n …
I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him down. I think saying “you’re small, ugly and smell” wasn’t quite what she meant.
Continue ReadingWhat rises 8 inches when …
What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath.
Continue ReadingDon’t let anyone instruct …
Don’t let anyone instruct you to rest a fist on your hip whilst you’re sat on a table. No one wants to be made to look like a mug.
Continue ReadingBBC Sport: France refuse …
BBC Sport: France refuse to train after row I can sympathise, their arms must’ve been knackered
Continue ReadingI love cloning just as mu …
I love cloning just as much as the next guy. And the next guy.
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