My wife gave me a wicker …
My wife gave me a wicker basket full of cold meats, sandwiches, fruit cake and crockery and told me to take it to the car. I couldn’t do it, I was hampered.
Continue ReadingMy daughter asked me to d …
My daughter asked me to define innuendo. I said that’s a hard one.
Continue ReadingI’ve often heard it be sa …
I’ve often heard it be said that it’s the little things in life that count. Like calculators?
Continue ReadingA new Ice Cream Shop has …
A new Ice Cream Shop has opened in Palestine. Walls of Jericho.
Continue ReadingIf nature provides its ow …
If nature provides its own warning signs, why do women need mace?
Continue ReadingWhen is snow not snow? Wh …
When is snow not snow? When it falls in London. It then becomes a national emergency.
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound for ever …
If I had a pound for everytime I didn’t know what was happening, I’d be querying why people are giving me pounds.
Continue ReadingJust seen an advert for t …
Just seen an advert for the Next 2 day sale. I wish they would tell me when it is.
Continue ReadingMy friend was thinking of …
My friend was thinking of becoming a comedian, so I told him the best place to start telling his jokes was the local brothel. Because They always go down well there!
Continue ReadingI’d give my right eye to …
I’d give my right eye to be a pirate.
Continue ReadingI was at the bus station …
I was at the bus station the other day when I saw a phone which said “Do not use for 999 calls”. “Great”, I thought, “I only need to make 998”.
Continue ReadingI just smashed my geograp …
I just smashed my geography teachers antique globe and she started crying. Apparently, it was her whole world.
Continue ReadingWould you think less of m …
Would you think less of me if I told you I was shrinking?
Continue ReadingCustomer service at my lo …
Customer service at my local McDonald’s is far better since they had that straw Pole. She puts out sugar and serviettes as well.
Continue ReadingTo maintain my standards …
To maintain my standards I spend at least two hours a day working out. Im not in good shape or anyting, Im just really bad at maths.
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